Witnessing and becoming an Accident

LONG & NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH:

So for those of you who are not my family nor friends: I witnessed an accident today while in Thailand, and I was literally a jump away from being in it. I was walking home from the market at Chiang Mai gate. I had just finished my meat sticks and spring roll as I came to an intersection I am very much familiar with. I was about to walk across the street when I looked up and saw all red lights. I thought I better play this safe and wait to see who was about to get the green light. The light to my left turned green. I turned to watch the cars come at me. I saw a black car with a scooter right beside it. The scooter was heading straight and so was the car but at the last second the car turned on its turn signal. I thought "don't do it. You're going to hit. don't do it." But the words never escaped my lips, not that they could hear me anyways. I heard the crash and watched the scooter turn its passengers on the rough road. I lost track of the car. My eyes were glued to the bodies sliding and rolling closer to me. My body hunched in a "I'm going to catch you stance". It wouldn't be the people I would be catching though because the bike was hurdling at me faster than they were. This is where my mind, from the adrenaline, decided not to remember anything. I remember thinking oh shit and MOVE! By the time I came to I was on the sidewalk the bike was right where I was standing, the girl was against the curb and her companion (possibly grandmother) was laying down slowly rising. I was shocked. I watched her helplessly sit up and put her head between her legs. I walked over to her and just gawked. Thai people came running from everywhere and began helping her up. I backed up back to my sidewalk watching with eyes probably looking like I was concerned yet mortified because that's how I felt. The elder woman called "911" reporting what had happened. A red scooter with a woman wearing a cream shirt pulled up and started talking. I caught enough of the Thai to realize she had followed him and got his license number. Several Thai people ran for paper, the ladies digging in their purses. Numbers and letters flew threw the air. I was scared. I tried to understand the Thai words squealing through the air but nothing. I turned my attention to the girl her toenails on her right foot were completely gone. Blood trickled everywhere legs were demolished. She didn't shed a tear. Adrenaline. The ambulance came and I freaked. I can't speak Thai! I saw this thing happen and almost got hit by the bike but I can't speak Thai! Maybe I should dip, no that's not right. I stayed. but then freaked out again a when I realized police were coming. I didn't have my passport. What if he wanted a witness statement but didn't speak English. He would have had to take me to the station to get a translator. I can't be detained. Wait what if they tell me I can't leave the country until the court date. I stood there trying not to make eye contact with the officer. A bystander saw me jump out of the way of the bike and kept glancing at me waiting for me to say something. I looked at the cars rolling up and saw a black car. "That's the car!! that's it look at the bumper I think that's the car!" but my screaming thoughts could not escape my lips. I watched it drive away. At least we had the license plate. I stayed. I watched them take the girls away. I watched the cop collect the woman's information who came back on the red scooter. He looked at me. I stood there. I could have said something right there. But I was afraid. I was afraid to walk across the street. I was afraid of cars. I realized walking back that my rib, which is already messed up, was hurting really bad. Great when I jumped and my memory faded I slammed into something. Had to have been the gates on the sidewalk. I am afraid. I am ashamed. I am disappointed in myself. How could I just stand there? Thoughts of my past when I was calling myself a bad person and hanging myself from a beam popped in my head. I would not be that person again. I am not a bad person. I am a person in shock, in pain. My mother really helped me and told me about her experience watching a woman get hit by a car. It's okay to be  traumatized. Okay. You couldn't do more. okay. It was self preservation. Okay. Then why do I still feel like this? It's okay to be scared.  Okay. It's okay to be weak. Okay. You don't have to be strong. Okay. Okay okay okay.
I'm scared.

minds open, hearts close, bellies full.
& remember you never know when life will throw something scary at you & that's okay.

-The Foodie and Nature Enthusiast