Starting Over

Okay so I know it's been a while since I've posted and I'm sorry for that, but as the title suggests, I am starting over. So my goal is to blog here a couple times a week as a personal online journal. Just to kind of recap the week. I'm also going to write everyday on a paper journal, but you guys won't get the deep personal crap.

So here's a little recap of what happened since my last post in April.
May-Missed Thailand drastically and went back to work
June-Stress level at an ultimate high. Started passing out in the middle of the month, went to doctor...no idea what is wrong
July-Went to more doctors, could have possible pinched nerve, please be careful
August-Went to neurologist, pinched nerve, need shot, no work for several months, school starts
September- miss work like crazy, spiral into depression, mopey
October-Great grandma isn't doing so good, Depression gets worse, still no work
November-back at work, love it, started asking for help
December-Got new position as paint associate, medicine is working, huge support group yay
January 1-8-Heart broken, alone but okay with that, realize it's time to take the pills and the happiness and start over

Today January 9th 2015

I went to work and spent most of my shift painting fence panels YAY...I've been doing it the past 2 days. Don't get me wrong I love painting but my coworkers were constantly telling me to use a paint sprayer in 4 degree weather...um I'm sorry but no. I would have been okay with a couple people telling me that but 90% of the coworkers who passed by said it. OKAY I GET IT I KNOW.

So what did I do?
I decided to go to Granite City and get a beer and a pretty expensive meal. Well it turns out it wasn't that expensive because I am part of the mug club. I got a 25oz beer, steak, asparagus, fries, and dessert for $29.00. I thought that was pretty good.
The steak was amazing and I told my waiter to pass my compliments along to the chef. I cannot express to you how much joy I had watching the chef's smile gleam from ear to ear. I was smiling my entire meal. And even though I was surrounded by families, groups of friends, and couples I didn't feel lonely or sad. I felt happy.

Now a little confession. I plan to enter a little confession to these just to keep you guys interested...
I wrote my number and a little message to my server. He was a nice guy who talked to me about school and his life and at the end of the meal he plopped himself in the chair next to me and said he was so exhausted. I felt really weird...I don't know how to flirt with him...especially when I've been mopey and trying to figure myself out. I quickly text my avengers and they all said to leave my number so I did.

I ran out like a cheetah but I was skipping on ice all the way to my car. If he doesn't text me or call me I think I will be okay. I've never done that or anything out of the box like that before. I never really took charge. It felt good to do something different. I felt like I was actually making progress in forging the new true me. So far this year, I like  her and I hope she stays.

Minds Open, Bellies Full, Hearts Close
-The Foodie Side

The Pottery Village

Another place we (meaning just a few of us) went to in Laos was a pottery village. This was my favorite place in Laos. At this village they make ceramics for local Laos people only. You won't see one of their pieces in a foreign country. They dig the clay right out of the ground, spin a pot with a slate over it for the wheel, and dye their hands attempting to glaze/protect the pieces. The only things you could buy were little animal figurines. I bought a turtle. Minds Open, hearts close, Bellies Full.

-Foodie and Nature Enthusiast

P.S. that big hole in the ground with the fire, yeah that's the kiln. 

Laos, a Dance, Kind of...I guess....

So we went to a theatre which is at an old palace. It was cool to walk around the grounds and take some cool shots at sunset. The dance? Well it was boring. It was supposed to tell a story but we were all wondering where did the story go? We couldn't tell what was what, where was where, who was who, it was a complete loss. Even our professor fell asleep. So here's one shot of the dance and some cool shots of the grounds.

BTW, sorry  this is so out of order, I will add all the dates in later (when I return to the US)

Minds open, hearts close, bellies full.

-The Foodie and Nature Enthusiast

Witnessing and becoming an Accident

LONG & NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH:

So for those of you who are not my family nor friends: I witnessed an accident today while in Thailand, and I was literally a jump away from being in it. I was walking home from the market at Chiang Mai gate. I had just finished my meat sticks and spring roll as I came to an intersection I am very much familiar with. I was about to walk across the street when I looked up and saw all red lights. I thought I better play this safe and wait to see who was about to get the green light. The light to my left turned green. I turned to watch the cars come at me. I saw a black car with a scooter right beside it. The scooter was heading straight and so was the car but at the last second the car turned on its turn signal. I thought "don't do it. You're going to hit. don't do it." But the words never escaped my lips, not that they could hear me anyways. I heard the crash and watched the scooter turn its passengers on the rough road. I lost track of the car. My eyes were glued to the bodies sliding and rolling closer to me. My body hunched in a "I'm going to catch you stance". It wouldn't be the people I would be catching though because the bike was hurdling at me faster than they were. This is where my mind, from the adrenaline, decided not to remember anything. I remember thinking oh shit and MOVE! By the time I came to I was on the sidewalk the bike was right where I was standing, the girl was against the curb and her companion (possibly grandmother) was laying down slowly rising. I was shocked. I watched her helplessly sit up and put her head between her legs. I walked over to her and just gawked. Thai people came running from everywhere and began helping her up. I backed up back to my sidewalk watching with eyes probably looking like I was concerned yet mortified because that's how I felt. The elder woman called "911" reporting what had happened. A red scooter with a woman wearing a cream shirt pulled up and started talking. I caught enough of the Thai to realize she had followed him and got his license number. Several Thai people ran for paper, the ladies digging in their purses. Numbers and letters flew threw the air. I was scared. I tried to understand the Thai words squealing through the air but nothing. I turned my attention to the girl her toenails on her right foot were completely gone. Blood trickled everywhere legs were demolished. She didn't shed a tear. Adrenaline. The ambulance came and I freaked. I can't speak Thai! I saw this thing happen and almost got hit by the bike but I can't speak Thai! Maybe I should dip, no that's not right. I stayed. but then freaked out again a when I realized police were coming. I didn't have my passport. What if he wanted a witness statement but didn't speak English. He would have had to take me to the station to get a translator. I can't be detained. Wait what if they tell me I can't leave the country until the court date. I stood there trying not to make eye contact with the officer. A bystander saw me jump out of the way of the bike and kept glancing at me waiting for me to say something. I looked at the cars rolling up and saw a black car. "That's the car!! that's it look at the bumper I think that's the car!" but my screaming thoughts could not escape my lips. I watched it drive away. At least we had the license plate. I stayed. I watched them take the girls away. I watched the cop collect the woman's information who came back on the red scooter. He looked at me. I stood there. I could have said something right there. But I was afraid. I was afraid to walk across the street. I was afraid of cars. I realized walking back that my rib, which is already messed up, was hurting really bad. Great when I jumped and my memory faded I slammed into something. Had to have been the gates on the sidewalk. I am afraid. I am ashamed. I am disappointed in myself. How could I just stand there? Thoughts of my past when I was calling myself a bad person and hanging myself from a beam popped in my head. I would not be that person again. I am not a bad person. I am a person in shock, in pain. My mother really helped me and told me about her experience watching a woman get hit by a car. It's okay to be  traumatized. Okay. You couldn't do more. okay. It was self preservation. Okay. Then why do I still feel like this? It's okay to be scared.  Okay. It's okay to be weak. Okay. You don't have to be strong. Okay. Okay okay okay.
I'm scared.

minds open, hearts close, bellies full.
& remember you never know when life will throw something scary at you & that's okay.

-The Foodie and Nature Enthusiast

Laos...at least there was a waterfall *sigh*

Laos was pretty sucky. I’m just being honest. We were so used to Lanna food, full of seasonings that Laos food tasted like water. Tasteless. Dinner was $5, when most of us were used to Thailand which was $1 (hawker food) to maybe $5 (nice dinner in a sit down foreign food place). The tuk tuk drivers were loud and obnoxious where Thai tuk tuk drivers just honked or slowed down and looked at you. All you have to do in Thailand is shake your head no. In Laos? No. No. No. No. no. FOR GOD’S SAKE I SAID NO!!!! The Laos people got drunk and were LOUD. Where Thai people you ask to speak up and they keep their volume the same, quiet. Did I mention Laos is a communist country? It was quite unsettling to see the soldiers walk with AK’s towards you. We’re Americans, we hear the horror stories… Anyways we did go to a waterfall together. That was really fun. Lauren and I climbed to the top of the mountain together to stand at the waterfall’s beginning pools. It was beautiful. Then we climbed down on some steps we thought were stone, but were actually wood stairs with minerals deposited on them from the water. Then we found our friends and went into the bright sky blue pools to enjoy the cold water. I jumped off the waterfall at the pool and just had a blast. Plus it was the first time I had been in a bathing suit since I got my last tattoo.

Minds open, hearts close, bellies full!

-The foodie and Nature Enthusiast

My First Buddhist Holiday

Erica and I decided to offer alms to the monks bright and early on a Friday morning, the day we were going to Laos. It was a Buddhist holiday and the university offers the campus for students to offer alms. Holy Buddha there were a LOT of students there! There had to be well over 2,000. Erica and I were so shocked! We thought man the monks could live off this amount of food for years! We couldn’t figure out how they were going to do this. The monks walked with silver pots barely 6 inches deep. How? After chanting and blessing the day the monks began walking. Erica and I waited a while and then we saw people running towards the middle of the road…wait what? was all I could think. We got in the middle of our section (one of the first few people) and looked up the street and realized the running was to make 4 lines. YES 4! We had 4 lines of students shoulder to shoulder cradling food to give to the monks. Traveling at a very slow speed behind the monks were 2 large dumpster trucks, yep dumpster trucks. Volunteers held trash bags for the monks, as the bowl was filled, the bag was filled. Bags were tied up and left in the middle of the 2 middle lines of students. As students ran out of food they departed leaving room for the trucks to come by and pick up the bags. No idea how many bags, it didn’t matter to me. What mattered to me was celebrating a Buddhist holiday for the first time in a country where Buddhism thrived. Cool! Minds open, hearts close, bellies full.

-The foodie and nature enthusiast

To the left                                                                     To the right.....

And with the middle crowds

Erica (chaikha)

The Zen Guy and My Struggles Afterwards

So we had a class with this “full of bullshit” guy who talked about Zen Buddhism, well really he didn’t talk about Zen Buddhism he talked about himself. Yeah the first day was a powerpoint with some good information on Buddhism in general. He also broke it down into sects for us, but he threw in a lot of personal stories. Now normally that wouldn’t bother us, but here’s why it did. In Thailand it is not okay to talk about one’s self/personal past stories without permission. Often times teachers will ask before they tell you or they will apologize with “I’m sorry if my story offends you and if I am talking to much about myself. I am also sorry if my opinions offend you. Please tell me to stop if I am offending you.” Does this guy do that? No he’s from New Jersey (no disrespect but he did follow the stereotype and made ya all look b-a-d) and it was just a total change for us. The second day we had to ask questions. Well most of us tore him a new one, especially Ryan. I even asked questions I knew the answers too, I mean I am Buddhist, but I just wanted to hear how he’d possibly dance around a question a very simple straightforward “This is what Buddhism practice says…” and he totally did. By the end of the class we were all frustrated and never wanted to see the man again. Okay, now that my rant is done, back to the first day. The first day I felt troubled on the inside. I was feeling like I abandoned a true part of me by stopping Buddhism and I felt horrible. After class I decided to go temple wandering. I walked around several temples and finally found myself and happiness. I am a Buddhist. Deal with it. J

These are just some shots from wondering around Chiang Mai trying to find temples.

Minds open, hearts close, bellies full

-The Foodie and Nature Enthusiast